I Thought I Was Ready

In the last couple of weeks, I’ve had conversations with different people…different sides of my life…about the upcoming holidays.

Holidays are great times. They’re times for family and friends and making memories…remembering memories. They’re times of stressful planning and chaos, always with laughter afterwards.

It’s hit me today that ‘they’ won’t be here. I knew ‘they’ wouldn’t be, but I thought I was ready. I thought I was prepared. I’m not.

This year there won’t be any time management needs. There won’t be any phone calls to say we’re on our way. No dragged out goodbyes because we have to get back to the cooking turkey. No kitchen relays of mashing taters then turnips…or was it turnips then taters? No fights over stuffing. No figuring out a dessert that everyone likes.

I expected one of ‘them’ not to be here, but never imagined the ‘other’ wouldn’t be either.

And through all this I reach for the phone to call someone else not here anymore.

Yes, today, right now, I’m a mess. And I want to say Thank You to those I’ve talked the holidays with. Thank You for breaking the locked doors around my mourning. Thank you for giving me back the time for tears. Thank you for giving me back the ability to grieve in this moment so that I may be stronger in the coming months for those who need me.

This holiday season needs quiet. It needs time to remember and breathe. It needs the pattern of years gone in order to move forward to new patterns. I need this.