There are some aspects of myself I’ll never let go of and one is being organized and having parts fit in order, just like I needed this title to fit where I designed some subjects to go. I’m not quite as spontaneous as I like to believe I could be.
Could be, that’s the wording. Would I ever be spontaneous? Have I? Truly the only place I have been is in my writing, at times. Mostly when it has taken the shape of prose. My journals are probably hinted at what I would like to do, on the spur, in the moment, but words on paper are not actions.
Those are wanderings, wonderings of some part of me that in reality I would not act on, even given the financial freedom, the no responsibility freedom to do so.
I may imagine what would I do if I just walked into an airport and bought a ticket to the plane that leaves right then and there, but do it, no that is not me.
And I’m fairly alright with that.
So, what past self am I letting go of?
The one who tried to fit in. The one who wanted to do right by what she deemed others expected of her…feared, didn’t know for themselves. The girl who had to be…still.
There’s quite a bit to our brain-wiring. That whole nature/nurture stuff. My DNA is an odd combination of my parents and theirs and the generation and generations before them, me. Combine all those intricacies with wherever my uniqueness developed from and into and you have…well, me. Not much more to say along that line, really.
It’s taken the flowing of these words to realize, I’m not letting go of anything, but am taking a step closer to excepting the me of years ago and 5 minutes ago, 1 minute ago.
I never once didn’t do my best to be the best me I was able to be in that precise moment. Sometimes I had very sky-high success of doing that and sometimes yeah, I failed…you guessed it, I never failed, I simply didn’t know how to do better, how to do more.
That phrase…when we learn better we do better (know better/do better)…as corny and naive as it reads, it’s right. We can’t do better until we learn/know better/more, again whatever that phrase’s words are.
The real letting go is all about fear and you can’t tell me there is a single person in the world who doesn’t know fear. Holds onto their fear because to let go means we have to be more than who we are right now.
And that, who, is someone we don’t know…don’t trust, because they are different.
But, what if we did?
I’m not about to jump on that next airplane, but I can imagine it and that leads to writing about it, and that leads to……