Indulges – Letting Anger have its moment

It hovers

It wears you down. It lessens fun, joy, happiness…maybe more dampens, no hovers is  closer to the truth. It’s certainly not good for your health. But it’s there, the anger.

And I’m fighting it.

Fighting to let it go. To let it go as much as I’ve let go of those/the situation which has brewed it.

Even sitting here writing I’m trying to figure out what exactly I need to type, to say. When I look over at my other screen I see “Anger and Bargaining” as part of the stages of grief. Am I about to bargain or explain or analyze the cause of my anger…No. That time is done. Over. The reason(s) no longer matter.

The residue which is anger is what needs clearing out. So many wordings pass on Facebook about letting go, moving on, holding in is like the other person doing/having ______. I agree.

With all that said and believed, there is still the backwash, the aftertaste, the void isn’t a void, yet.

And here it is…just maybe the anger is needed.

Antonyms for anger: calm, cheer, delight, joy, love, peace, kindness

So, if someone who matter(ed) in your life filled you with: calm, cheer, delight, joy, love, peace, kindness, those are pretty strong emotions. Strangers don’t normally affect me or my life in these manners…long term, memory terms.

But if that same someone changed these strong emotions…what did they change into: Anger…animosity, hate? indifference, agitation, furious, irritation, unhappiness.

Hate? No. One thing I have learned in my life is I do not, hate. More than any emotion, hate feeds on the one holding it. I do not hold hate in my heart or soul.

Indifference? What a sad word, a terribly sad emotion to have about anything. Indifference…you make no difference in my life…I typed in my love, and maybe that’s closer to the truth, and that’s even worse.

I don’t mean sad for those/it that brings this emotion to my surface, but sad for me…or you who may ever hold these as well. I don’t want to be indifferent to anyone/thing.

Hmmmm, sometimes the mind leads the fingers to a truth not realized until seen…I meant to type – I don’t want to feel indifferent about anyone/thing. But if you read carefully what came out – I don’t want to be indifferent to anyone/thing…hmmmm.

I don’t want to be indifferent…to anyone/thing. A two-edged sword…I don’t want anyone/thing to make no difference in my life nor do I want to make no difference their/its life.

Re-reading…proofing…now changes how the rest follows…Yes, what’s written fits, but you could also add – And, yet, here I am. Still Fighting.

And, yet, here I am. Fighting.

I’m fighting an anger which I no longer know where it comes from, why it’s here. And that’s actually, okay. I know, for me, as long as I’m questioning, searching for the answers behind my emotions, I’m doing okay.

Anger is real. It has its own essence. If it’s okay to acknowledge I’m angry over any injustice. Angry over any mistreatment. Then it’s okay to admit I’m angry with you, it, whatever.

I realize what’s written here may not flow neatly. May not make a whole lot of sense…that’s okay. It’s how my mind weaves its way through anything I’m trying to make sense about. Why share it out here on the internet where nothing ever dies? Why put it out here where it can never be taken back, never forgotten?

Because sometimes the silence of my journal isn’t enough.