It all starts with August 1st. The start of the last month of summer holidays. The month before – I have to go back…to school. Back to a structured box I did not fit. Back to a place I wasn’t comfortable in. Back to judgement, fears, alone-ness, being worse than ignored, being unknown, being unseen. Struggles to find my voice in a crowd of … more.
This was my perception throughout elementary and secondary school from kindergarten to graduation, and beyond.
I’m not saying I was right in my feelings or thoughts, but these were mine and the emotion still resides inside, the body memory fights to remain alive, yes, even at the edge of turning 62 years of age.
I’m not going to repeat and delve back into what I’ve discovered about myself. I’m not going to repeat the discovery that I wasn’t the only one not confident during these years, I’ve learned too many truths since then.
I write to write the emotions racing through me, still. I write to give voice to the pain that still inside, even when it is safe to not be this scared, this nervous, this apprehensive. That box I used to head into doesn’t exist for me anymore; it hasn’t for decades.
This isn’t a farewell, an ending, it’s another weekend, another holiday free-day to spend with those I want to be around. Those I find support, strength, acceptance, and love, and more.
I won’t ignore this scared-being quaking under my skin; I’ll settle it into a comfy safe spot, acknowledge it, reassure it as best as it can handle this year, and give it a chance to find its way.
Maybe this sounds a little crazy, to you, and I understand. I know we have multi-facets to our beings, Visualizing mine helps me, oh, if only I knew this then, but that’s the wonder of time … if we’re lucky, open, we will grow with knowing understanding.
Now it’s time to say, bye for now.