January 5, 2005, my daughter turned three while my father was in the hospital fighting for his life.
He died March 18th 2005.
Although there was much love and memories packed into those short three years…add those pregnancy months as dad and mom drove me to each doctor’s appointment hubby couldn’t make. Dad heard CL’s heartbeat before her own dad did. Heck, dad’s response to finding out I was pregnant “Good God, YES” and then he hung up, LOL.
I still remember daddy running…yes, running and if you knew my dad, he never ran…up the stairs shouting my brother was going to be a dad. Actually go back a few years when my brother and dad reunited after too much physical distance apart…still see my brother throwing the luggage down and these two men embracing as mom and I introduced ourselves to my sister-in-law. Sure, there had been phone calls and letters over the years, but these were the first hugs in too long a time.
Back to daddy becoming a granddad. First my nephew, then my niece, and then one more nephew. And then my daughter. And now there’s, a great-grandson, my brother’s grandson, a grandson’s son.
We were cheated that March 18th 2005.
Is there ever enough time?
When we said our final goodbyes, I stood before friends and family and spoke, but in reality I was speaking only to my daddy and my little girl:
***With my father’s death:
I’ve lost my first source of knowledge
I’ve reached out to ask him about Prince Charles’ wedding…the tradition and protocol of our Royal family.
I’ve wanted to talk to him about the Pope’s death, of the choosing of a new Pope…the history and ceremonies involved.
Once more I would like him to explain these crazy political parties of ours…what would he say about the Liberals and the NDPs
I’m afraid I’ll fail in keeping his memory alive for my daughter.
I need him to tell me everything will be okay, again.
Because of my dad, I know
I am my father’s daughter…that’s nice…and scary.
Family is first and foremost
There is no challenge or fear I cannot overcome
There is no dream I cannot make come true
I learned to believe in me because he believed in me
I will never fail my child because he never failed me
Daddy, I know nothing will ever be the same again, but just like you’ve told me time and time again, at all my life’s ups and downs, and my heart hears you now.
Everything will be okay.***
I don’t know if everything is okay. I still reach for the phone to call a number which no longer exists…mom’s living with us and makes every second count. Her space is off-limits to parents as that’s Nanny and granddaughter space.
I know I’ve said “Yes, dad you were right” way more times than I still care to admit. “Yes, dad, you were right, again.”
But last night as we were getting ready for my daughter’s violin recital, I looked at her and was once again amazed and texted myself these words, so I wouldn’t forget:
***I eulogized my father wondering who would carry on for my baby girl. This father’s day weekend as I look upon her dressed and ready for her violin recital, I realize she’s done all right. My fumbles and missteps have been caught by this child’s growing and her total acceptance that I knew and know what I’m doing. That while she’s looking every inch the young lady she is, we should never lose the three year-old’s silliness that lives deep inside.***
Yes, daddy. Everything will continue to be okay.
A wonderful tribute to your father, Chris. Dads have no idea how much they impact our lives.
I have a new great-grandson who resembles my late husband so much. Fathers, grandfathers, live on in many ways.
I enjoyed your post.
Very nice sentiment. Made me emotional.
Thank You, Leona and Mike. It's taken me a couple of days to revisit.