Indulges – You mean you were _________, too, back then

So unsure of myself, grade 10

Sitting on the sidelines thinking you all were so sure of yourselves. So confident. So happy. No worries, no fears, no doubts. A perfect fit.

Ahh, what I know now and had no clue back then. We each had our doubts, fears, worries, and insecurities. There’s no saying we still don’t, but hopefully we’ve learned things do pass. People are human and with that comes being fools some days.

A casual Facebook note prompted me to look back. Strangely, those old feelings rushed to the surface. Even now I feel strange admitting to an embarrassment looking back. Scared again on what you all thought of me. The girl who was terrified of speaking, so rarely spoke. The girl who panicked at the thought of going to school after a holiday or just on a Monday. Worry-sick, I knew it well.

Do you know there’s a name for this now…social anxiety. I wasn’t crazy. Oh wow! It was my brain’s wiring and not over-protective parents as one doctor insisted. Her, unknowing to even her, prescription of dropping me off and mom walking away only fed my fear…gave it strength. Pulled me more into myself. Oh wow!

I wonder how my shyness came across to you. Did I register at all? I write this with a shrug and a laugh because I’ve learned it doesn’t matter…now. And now is all that does matter.

I look at your pictures from back then and smile. I see your pictures now; our online conversations of today, and smile. Your gifts of yesteryear guided my path to today. Your gifts of today strengthen my path to tomorrow. Thank you.

The knowledge of me which I’ve gained through trial and error; through fear, pain, and tears, I hope helps me to guide my child even if only a teeny bit.

The knowledge of me, I haven’t finished learning it all. I still surprise myself. I still worry and say “ugh, why did I say that…type that” you know I will as soon as I click ‘publish’ on this very post. But, there are more moments of “damn, that’s great” or just a plain “yes.”

And, yes, I re-read and re-read what I’ve written and see the many ways my voice could be heard. But, I have no control and that’s okay. I know my meaning; my voice; my indulgence (notice how I matched the blog’s name to what I’m writing, yes, I allow myself to be silly, I freely laugh with myself…not ‘at’, now)

I see myself with softer eyes…and not because I need trifocals. I’m easier on myself even as a I demand more of myself. I’ll take and carry my errors, my wrongs, but no others’. I stand tall and actually speak now…which is why I’ll click ‘publish’ when I’m done.

The trip into the past is a multi-road adventure, today’s road was a little bumpy, but I noticed some of the potholes had been filled. I’ll visit again, each road, as I travel beside my child’s own path. I hope she has less bumps, but know she’ll have different ones and one day she, too, will know, that’s just fine.

To you, past friends, still and now re-friends, to my fellow-students whose roads no longer cross mine…Thank You. Without you I don’t know where I would be today, and I like today. It’s a grand day.